I Feel Like I Have Turned into Someone I Don't Recognize
I feel like I have turned into someone I don’t know.
I just ordered three sets of gel nail polish stickers from Amazon, and I can’t keep my fingernails painted for more than five consecutive days without chipping or peeling the paint.
Most of my dinners at home consist of string cheese, eaten while standing at my makeshift counter because I’m too lazy to cook or make anything else.
I’ve been in my new condo for a month and I still haven’t found the motivation to put the covers on the light switches and outlets.
I have been living out of a suitcase for a month by choice. 80% of my boxes are unpacked, piled about in stacks around my condo, I’m still finding and seeing drywall dust in various areas of the condo, and the only part of my home that feels “clean” is my bed, which is a mattress with new sheets and bedspread. This is coming from the girl who in college couldn’t do her homework until the apartment was clean and the dishes were done.
I don’t have any furniture to sit on other than my bed and a Tommy Bahama beach chair. My home office, dining area and relaxation zone consist of said Tommy Bahama chair and a footstool that serves as my desk, table and occasional footrest.
All of a sudden, I went from having no interest in dating AT ALL to boy crazy. I got on an online dating app spontaneously one evening, and I’m having so much fun shopping for boys (as I like to call it).
I hardly cry anymore. After crying every day for 4 months straight which then tapered off to maybe 3 times a week, this is a welcome improvement.
There are multiple times a day when I pause and ask myself - Naomi who are you?! As if I am mystified by myself.
And I am.
I cannot believe that I have been this content with the state of my home, that I don’t care to be surrounded by unorganization, that I haven’t cooked a real meal in 1.5 months, that I eat ice cream at least 2x a week and my number one addiction is going for really long walks preferably solo (sorry dogs).
I can honestly say that this new version of myself is entertaining, often surprising and still familiar like a friend you haven’t seen in years, but you two can just pick right up again as if you haven’t missed a beat.
I’m enjoying this person a lot.
The only annoying thing about her is the amount of time that boys occupy her brain.
Other than that, we are having a ball.
Who knew I would be excited about painted nails even if they only last a few days?
Who knew I could consume this much ice cream without feeling guilty?
Who knew that I could be this happy living in a mess?
Who knew that I wouldn’t get sick of the Costco-sized string cheese when I eat one or two a day?
Sending this as a reminder that wherever you are at this moment, whatever state you are in, whatever you have been thinking about yourself lately, may you give yourself some space to just be. To be honest with yourself and about the state of your heart and love yourself unconditionally for that.
If you are sad, may you allow yourself to be sad knowing that you will come out the other side.
If you are disappointed, may your disappointments affirm that you are striving to live a BIG life.
If you feel like you haven’t “made it” and had your deepest dreams come to fruition, may you be reminded that your dreams are proof of what is possible for you.
If life hasn’t turned out in this moment how you pictured it, may you find some joy in the element of surprise.
May you open yourself up to the unexpected and the mystery of what lies ahead.
And have a little fun along the way.
xo, Naomi