Shifting Foundations: Relationships

I'll warn you in advance, this is a long one...

Shifting Foundations: Relationships

Next up we are going to look at the foundation of relationships and I would like to review this in two contexts: one is the relationship that we have with others and the other is our relationship with ourselves.

Starting with our relationships with others: when you think about the meaningful relationships you have with other people in your life right now, generally, how do you feel about these connections? This can be relationships with your partner, family and those you live with. This can also be relationships with your closest friends or the people you spend the most time with. You can even consider the relationships you have at work or within your business. Would you say you have good, strong connections or are you longing for deeper ones?

Grab your journal and write down your answers.

Let’s take a closer look at two different relationships in your life. Think of someone you love and have a close connection with. Why do you love them? Write down all the reasons.

Then think of someone you have a strained relationship with. Why do you feel this way? Write down your reasons.

Now take a look at your answers and notice the reasons why you answered the way you did. How many of your reasons are about the other person? For example, in the loving relationship maybe you said they are kind and they have a good heart. In the strained relationship, maybe your reasons are: they are a difficult person or they have issues.

Often we see the quality of the relationship we have with another person as based upon who that person is - what they do, how they act and treat you/others.

I’d like to offer a new way to view relationships - the quality or connection is not based upon who that person is but the thoughts you have about them. Our beliefs about who the person is, is a collection of thoughts. This is how you can go from loving a person (which can be thoughts of: they are amazing, they rock my world, I love them) to falling out of love (maybe thoughts of: I can’t stand them, everything they do irritates me, I don’t know if I feel the same way about them anymore).

Even when you believe someone has “hurt you” with something they said or did, this isn’t because of what they did, it is because of the thoughts you had about it. For example, let’s pretend you got into a fight with your partner and they said “you are a bitch just like your mother.” If this hit close to the bone, it’s not because of the actual words said it’s because of your thoughts about what was said - that was mean, why would they say something cruel like that to me, they are an a-hole.

How do we know this is true? If we could actually be hurt by the words said, as soon as they were uttered or spoken into existence we would feel hurt. If this was true, the words themselves would immediately elicit a reaction. Another way to think of this is imagine you are in a different country than your partner when they tell a friend “she has been really irritating me lately with her selfish ways.” If you didn’t hear these words or no one told you what was said, you would, again, have no reaction. A reaction would only come if you heard or found out what was said AND THEN had thoughts about it.

To try and simplify this further:

Thoughts = How You Feel

Let’s now look at the relationship with yourself. Start by answering generally, how do you feel about yourself? What do you believe about who you are inside? Do you trust yourself? Do you live from authenticity? Do you live from fear? How in touch are you with your deepest desires? Do you like who you are today?

After you have reflected on these questions, look at your answers and see if you can identify the thoughts you have about yourself. Are they kind and compassionate or are they critical? If you were to take these answers and have them indicate a level of self love, would you receive a low score or a high score?

How would your answers change if you were to ask your future self, the version of yourself 10 years older, to reflect on who you are today?

Again, notice how many of your answers are just thoughts you have about yourself.

The incredible thing is once you have this awareness, you can start to untangle the web and jumble of thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself. That is step 1 - having an awareness.

Step 2 is deciding with intention: Which thoughts serve me well? Which thoughts hold me back? Which thoughts do I want to hang on to and which ones do I not want to believe anymore.

You can do this work for your relationship with yourself and for any other relationships you have in your life. If you want to have more self love, you have the great opportunity to be selective and intentional about how you think of yourself. If you want to have a “good” relationship with someone, what thoughts about that person would need to change without forcing or unsuccessfully willing the other person to do anything differently? Can you find those shifts within yourself?

If this feels daunting, start with one small shift. Pick one thought or belief you want to change, decide what you want to replace this with and practice thinking this everyday. Practice until it becomes belief. Practice until belief becomes second nature and then watch that build new & beautiful things.

Big love, Naomi