Why You Should Do What You Want this Holiday Season (and always)

This post is for women:

Women who put everyone else in front of themselves - their kids, their partners, their colleagues, their friends and family. Who bend over backwards trying to please everyone, to keep the peace, to make ends meet, to keep everyone happy, to organize the schedules, to balance work with house chores and taking care of all the odds and ends. Who thinks of other’s feelings in front of their own. Who does all these things because she is empathetic and has a big heart.

Why is it so difficult for us to do what we actually want to do, not what we think other people want us to do or we feel that we have to do?

I believe first, that sometimes our programming runs so deep that it is difficult to say what it is that you want. To get it off your chest. State the facts. Say honestly how you are feeling.

Second, if we get the courage to speak our truth, we feel we need to follow that up with an explanation of why or justification of our feelings.

I don’t want to go to the birthday party because I’m overwhelmed.

Vs.

I don’t want to go to the birthday party. Full stop.

Third, if we say what we want to do and then actually get to do it, we feel guilty afterwards.

This programming can come in strong over the holidays. The time when family traditions are embedded and upheld, where we feel pressure to get into the “Holiday Spirit,” to buy the gifts, to cook the big meals, to plan the gatherings, clean up before and after, help your family and engage in small talk with all the relatives you haven’t seen since last year.

If the Holidays are your jam and joyfully so, I love that for you. Truly. I am not a grinch. I love Christmas lights, the smell of fresh fir trees, seeing cars decorated with reindeer antlers, getting warm and cozy by a fireplace, the ridiculously sweet drinks Starbucks puts out with the red and green plaid cups and praying for snow on the ground.

I also know how hard the holidays can be when you are struggling and unhappy inside. When the thought of being around a bunch of happy families makes you grimace. When the last thing you want is to be reminded of everyone else who is happy (even if we love them) when you are miserable. When it feels like they are throwing their happiness in your face and you are a dark cloud.

That was me last year. I knew I couldn’t do the Holidays. I knew being around even my own family would be very triggering for me when I was sad and heartbroken.

Fortunately, I had enough wisdom and will to skip the holidays last year. I stayed on Maui and said no to all the invitations to various holiday gatherings because I didn’t know how I was going to feel or who I would want to be around. Then on Christmas day, when I found myself walking the beach alone and realizing how sad I was that I was alone and feeling left out (even after I declined every invitation) I spontaneously ended up going pool hopping. Myself and two friends did a tour de pool in Wailea and it was the best way I could have spent the day. Drinking, eating, pool hopping - it was so fun that I am planning on doing the same thing this year.

I warned my family early that I would not be going home for the holidays. I felt the urge to say why but the truth simply is because I don’t want to.

I don’t want to and I don’t need any other reason why.

Instead of traveling for an expensive trip that I don’t want to go on in the first place, I’d rather spend my holidays on Maui sitting on the beach, reading books, pool hopping and eating whatever I want - sushi, spam musabi, string cheese for dinner because I’m too lazy to cook - Yep, sounds good to me. Sign me up.

My challenge to you is to give yourself the thing you want simply because you want it.

You should do this because it lights you up inside.

You should do this because you deserve it.

You should do this because you can.

You don’t feel like cooking a feast, don’t do it. Buy dinner, go out or ask someone else to help you cook.

You don’t want to stay at your mother in law’s house, don’t do it. Do you really need a reason other than you don’t want to.

You don’t want to host people at your house. Don’t plan the party. Don’t send the invites. Don’t do it because you “always do it.”

Consider these acts as gifts to yourself.

Consider the example you set for others.

Consider the freedom you create inside of yourself.

To anyone who is saying to themselves - that is impossible - you’re in luck. I’ve created a holiday special just for you: the Holidays are Hard mini session. Together we will identify the things that are stressing you out the most about the holidays and a plan on how to address them in a way that feels good to you and loving for those you care about.

The best part is it’s only $33 for a private session. Before you freak out any further, click here to book.

Sending you so much love,

Naomi